Perspective for Tar Hole Football Fans

I believe that's an American flag back there. What the hey?

UNC’s Coach "Hat" Fedora's beginnin’ his 7^th season at the helm of the Tar Holes and they seem to be rapidly transformin’ into the football version of the Titanic (‘cept not as big & badass as the boat). Tar Hole fans got that tickle down their leg, like Chris Matthews does when he talks 'bout our 44th president, as most fans do when there's a coachin’ change. Then Ol’ Lare’s early teams lined up and snapped off 45 or so plays a half and lit up the scoreboard like that Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center and full orgasm was achieved. He had purdy good luck at outscorin’ the other team til he ran outta Butch Davis’ offensive players. And he's never really seemed to care much fer the defensive side of the ball. Guess he kinda views it like takin’ a shit. Not sumpin' ya really wanna do, just sumpin’ ya gotta do every once in a while.

Oops, wrong sport.

So Ol' Lare’s first 4 years at Carolina’ve been purdy respectible (for Carolina) at 8-4, 7-6, 6-7, and 11-3. The 11-3 season earned the Heels an ACC Coastal Division banner and got all of Tar Holia lathered up ‘bout how they might finally turn the proverbial corner into the perennial top 20, or even top 10, football programs in the nation! Like Oakley “Limp” Barksdale, rush chairman of the Delta Iota Kappa fraternity (aka – the DIK’s) puts it, “ya know…like… it’s where we oughtta be man… considerin’ like… we’re Carolina and all… ya know?... Hold on a sec... Hey dude, stop Bogartin'! It's like my turn on the beer bong... ya know?!"

Well, that ship, unlike the Titanic, seems to’ve sailed off into the sunset leavin’ the DIK’s limp and the rest of Carolina fandom the bridesmaid once again. What's the deal with all the Carolina peeps already sportin' their “Kill The Coach” shirts? They oughtta be used to this process by now. Former coaches Bill Dooley, Dick Crum, and Mack Brown had a few purdy good runs before the Carolina football curse kicked in. These guys either left for a better job or got fired for losin’ too many assistants and games along with’em.

                          

But back to Lare. After his 11-3 season he puts up another respectable 8-5 job before last year’s 3-9 stinker followed by the 0-2 start this year. Losin’ to Cal on the left coast idn’t good, but not horrible or wildly unexpected. But the loss in Greenville, especially after ECU gets their hides tanned by FCS darlin’, NC A&T, has triggered the old “fire the coach” instinct every program’s fanbase discharges after losin’ one ya think ya shouldnt’ve (or one that’s a real shot to the pills). ECU used to be an afterthought for UNC fans. Carolina wouldn’t play in Greenville ‘cause their pasture wadn’t big enough and frankly, ECU wanted to play UNC way more than Carolina wanted, or needed, to play the Pirates. It was usually a nice win in front of a full stadium Tar Hole fans could count on. Well, not anymore!!

What would you pay for this?

I don’t know if Lare is the long term answer for UNC but it’s still a long season and he's playin’ without a baker’s dozen or so players who are on double secret probation for sellin’ their Air Jordan’s in the off season for four digits LEFT of the decimal point! Call me crazy but I’m thinkin’ some VP of Sales oughtta consider hirin’ these guys. Who else do you know that could sell used AJ’s for a coupla grand after havin’ 3-9 record stinky feet in’em?? Who’s zoomin’ who here? In any case, I don’t think gettin’ these dudes back is gonna make that much difference in this season’s outcome. It just dudn’t look like there’s a whole helluva lotta competitive talent on the field and that dudn’t change quickly.

'Nuff said!

So holster the weapons Carolina fans. And just spend yer spare time thinkin' up words to use instead of "Freshman", findin' some more offensive campus stuff to tear down, offerin' more of those classes where ya don't have to show up or even write that one pesky paper on which the entire semester's grade is based, bein' proud that Carolina’s one of the few teams on the planet to have the brass klankers to wear that intimidatin’ baby blue onesy, and preparin' to take the inevitable ass-whoopin’ that’s comin’ yer way this year… and maybe the next, and the next, and… well, you know how it works. After the season, between basketball games, is probably a better time to debate the future of the football coach. Probably be in a better mood then.

Sub-Urban Meyer

Ok, WTF? (This is the first of many rhetorical questions). I ain't necessarily an Urban Meyer fan but I don't get why Zach Smith kickin' his wife's ass is all of a sudden Urban Meyer's fault? This chick's reportedly been gettin' beat up since 2009 and she's just now figurin' out this is a problem? And it just happens to be Urban Meyer AND Ohio State University's fault all of a sudden? Christy, why wouldn't you call the damn cops and get the hell outta there? Can you say $$$-MONEY GRAB-$$$??

Take a gander at this interview she did with Daily Motion (just endure the ad at the outset, it'll be worth it):

https://video.search.yahoo.com/search/video;_ylt=A2KLfSblRGZb19UAAFhXNyoA;_ylu=X3oDMTE0dDd1cWgxBGNvbG8DYmYxBHBvcwMxBHZ0aWQDQjYyNDZfMQRzZWMDcGl2cw--?p=interview+with+zach+smith%27s+wife&fr2=piv-web&fr=mcafee#id=10&vid=02ce3a8a7dbe149f3fb9ff99d810518f&action=view

In the first 20 seconds she says she called her parents AND Zach's parents to tell'em about the abuse. She said she sent'em pictures and begged'em for help sayin', "This has to stop." She dudn't specifically identify which of these asshole parents says this but stated, "I was told, don't call the police. If you call the police he's gonna get arrested, it's gonna go to the media, and he's gonna lose his job. What are you and the kids gonna do?" Eggs-fuckin-zactly!! More to the point, at least one of these parental units told her to suck it up and take one for the kids. "So he smacks you around a little. Where else are you gonna find that kinda walkin', talkin', wife-beatin' paycheck?"

Really?? Seems a bit funny to me the reporterette in this interview didn't pick up on that. She was too busy tryin' to bury Urb and OSU to listen to any of that I-told-the-family-and-they-told-me-to-put-a-sock-in-it bullshit. What kinda people are these so-called "parents"?? If this were your or my daughter or daughter-in-law we'd have her and the kids outta there so fast Zach's head would be spinnin' around like Linda Blair's in The Exorcist! But somehow, it's now all about how Urban has f'd this up! Can you say $$$-MONEY GRAB-$$$??

And don't get me started on the part where she says the Coach and Coach's wife have a "duty" to help when somebody's cryin' out fer help. This is right after she tells the reporterette about informin' her    do-nothin' parents and how she's now legally separated from this Turd Monkey. OMG! What should a coach do?

Oh yeah, maybe he shoulda pounced on this like Dook did when some of their lacrosse boys were accused of rapin' some coke-head stripper back in 2006? The LAX coach, Mike Pressler, resigned under pressure from the administration and 3 college boys got their lives ruined for a good, long while. Oh yeah, Pressler had absolutely nothin' to do with the off campus party and the lacrosse players were found innocent after the stripper was found to be lyin'. The DA in the case, Mike Nifong, was the first prosecutor in North Carolina history disbarred for trial misconduct. In other words, he was lyin' too. Oh well, at least Dook jumped right on it and didn't wait for any of those pesky facts to come out.

Now a lotta talkin' heads are blowin' smoke 'bout how Urb's violatin' Title IX. Hell, I thought Title IX was about NOT descriminatin' against female students. Like makin' all that scholarship money equally available. You know, so ya get ridda men's wrestlin' to offer their scholarship money to girl's newly formed whitewater raftin' team. I wadn't aware this law applied to abuse, harassment, et al... to everyone employed by the school and everyone they come into contact with! I'm sure that's my misunderstandin' of the extent to which this law has been interpreted. But I could see bustin' Coach on this gettin' a bit tricky. I think Urban's lawyers might try to make the case that Courtney idn't an employee of the school and thus idn't afforded Title IX protections. We'll see about that one...

Urb almost kicked one in his own goal when he signed that recent contract extension. It specifies he's s'posed ta tattle to the principal on anyone, and that means student, faculty, or staff member, who has or allegedly has harassed, stalked, humped, or kicked another's ass against their will at a university sponsored activity or event.  The "university sponsored activity or event" clause is gonna save his ass here. Not sure Zach goin' home and givin' the old lady a knuckle sandwich is considered a university sponsored event... it oughta be.... but right now, it ain't.

For the record, Zach Smith "seems" like a real asshole lunatic and should have a can of whoop ass smashed into his thick skull. And I'm not stickin'up for Urban. He's got plentya lawyers, fans, and family to do that for'em. I'm just curious why this situation has NOW arrived at this place where the big deal is some guy's boss is in the hot seat fer not reportin' a domestic violence case between one of his employees and their spouse when the spouse AND her family've known this shit since at least 2009. Christy, why wouldn't you call the damn cops and get the hell outta there? Can you say
$$$-MONEY GRAB-$$$ one last time?

Hatin' On Bobby A Bit

I don’t know ‘bout y'all but I don’t have a real problem watchin’ a Bobby Petrino coached team get their asses handed to’em. In last night’s loss to Climpson I got a bonus watchin' The Bobster tryin’ to chew out that Wooden Indian disguised as a side judge (here’s a link if you didn’t get to see it https://www.sbnation.com/college-football/2017/9/16/16317032/clemson-louisville-bobby-petrino-absolutely-furious).  This official’s face NEVER changed expressions even though Coach’s face was turnin’ redder'en a pickled beet while he was 4-letter wordin’ that guy’s ears off!

Mt Rushmore Stand-In Candidate

I’m officially nominatin’ this ref as a candidate fer one of the Mount Rushmore temporary stand-ins. We'll need him and three other people whose expressions never, ever change to temporarily stand in front of the blank spaces between the time when we erase the mugs of those racist, bigoted, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamaphobic, etc-phobic losers up there now and when we whittle the faces of some deservin’ folks in their places who, up til now, have been overlooked and discriminated against because of sumpin’ we have or haven’t thought of yet. But, as usual, I digress.

Bobby and Jessica (is she 15 yet?)

BTW - Nothin’ against Lamar and Louisville, I just seem ta have a burr under my saddle fer Bobby. It’s really hard to believe any school would hire this guy knowin’ how he ran out on the Falcons durin’ the season (seemed like it was at night too) and 'bout that little motorcycle mishap he had down in Fayetteville…oh yeah, while totin’ his girlfriend around on the backseat… and oh yeah, tried to cover it all up with some lame-ass story he made up while standin’ in front of the press wearin’ a neck brace and some road rash on his face!! 

All I gotta say is the dude can obviously out-coach any university’s distaste for his moral deficiencies. I reckon’ as long as yer puttin' up enough wins to keep the booster money flowin’ in the right direction the pinheads that run these joints don’t really give a shit if you’re Mother Teresa, Charles Manson, or Bobby Petrino!

Guess that's Bobby's sign for "need 2 babes, Harry"!

Can you imagine his recruitin’ pitch to the parents of Harry High School? I’m thinkin’ it’d go sumpin’ like… “Yeah, we’d love to have Harry come play fer the Falcons… uh, I mean the Cardinals, sorry.  Anyway, after practices I can show Harry the Kentucky countryside. He and I can tool around on some of the motorcycles I own. All Harry'll need to do is pick us up a coupla drop-dead, hottie co-eds that know how to keep their traps shut about hangin’ out with Harry and the HBC “ (that’s Head Ball Coach for those of you who need me to field dress it for ya). “But hey, if these bimbettes fergit the deal and start chinwaggin' to the press or university, or post some nasty, unfounded rumors on social media… well, needless to say, I got some real life experiences dealin’ with those kinda lyin’ bee-atch-es and already have us a plan to make’em wish they’d never tried screwin’ over Coach Bobby and yer boy!”

Laughing all the way to the bank

Bobby continues, “I’m pretty sure neither St. Mark Richt nor the Devil himself, Nick Satan, is comin’ in here with that kinda CYA plan fer Harry. Those two'll be blowin’ smoke ‘bout Harry gettin’ an education and bein’ a part of somethin’ that’s bigger than himself. That’s all a buncha pie-in-the-sky, gong show bull shit! I’m here talkin’ reality and I’m tellin ya… there ain’t nothin’ bigger than Harry at Louisville!! "By the time Harry’s finished with his 3 or 4 years he’ll either be a good enough baller to make millions in the NFL or skilled enough at gamin’ the system that he can run for public office and make millions offa scammin’ the public! Either way, you and Harry are gonna be laughin' all the way to the bank! So, are ya gonna play fer one of these pretend scam artists or come here and get a legit edge-ah-ma-ka-shun from The Real Deal, Bobby Petrino? That’s what I thought, sign here.”  😀

Week 1 Quick Hitters

Caylin +45

I guess the odds-makers in Vegas weren’t lookin’ under their snouts when they made the line fer the UNLV vs Howard game. Musta forgot to figure in that Newton boy that takes the snaps for the Bison. He’ll be worth a good 40 or so points next time.

"You boys've been bad
 sayeth the Lord"

Ditto for the Baylor - Liberty point spread. I'm assumin' GOD was disappointed with the Baptist subdivision's wanderin’ away from the Word and sent in his non-denominational Christian army to reenact the David and Goliath thing (pick up the Good Book read 1st Samuel startin' around the 17th chapter or so for more background).

Ladies & Gentlemen, 
Furman Head Coach, 
Clay Hendrix!

Granted NC State was gettin’ an unusual amount of smoke blown up their skirt before the season by all the nerds who think they know somethin’ ‘bout sports. And frankly, they looked purty solid against South Carolina even though they lost a close one. But from the reaction on social media by the NC State extremists after the loss you’d think they were expectin’em to be in the Final Four! *“Fire Doeren before he leaves the field” and “Kill the kicker” were just a few of the irrational reactions. I say put the hara-kiri knives down and back away for a week or two. Wait… they may be right about the kicker but what coachin’ giant is gonna be lured to NC State as advancement to their career? Who’s the current coach at Furman?

2020 FSU starting QB 

Both startin’ QB’s from FSU and UGA went down with knee injuries this week. How long before we see a rule that QB’s haveta wear pink jerseys and are off limits to any contact ‘cept for the 2-hand tag above the waist?  Stop laughin’. Two hand tag is gonna happen and Terry Bradshaw, Joe Namath, and Brett Favre are comin' outta retirement to cash in!

Fear The Turtle!

Texas preseason #23? What the hay?? This is a team who’s last 3 years have been 6-7, 5-7, 5-7 and all of a sudden they get a new coach and it’s worth a preseason #23? In case you pollsters weren’t aware, they still have the same shitty players! Shows how badly the pundits want Texas to be relevant again and how much cash the Longhorn Network produces to payoff the voters to put’em in the top 25. Hope you enjoyed yer week in the polls. It’ll be yer last time this year. Hook’em!

Not that anyone really cares but I feel compelled to make an observation ‘bout the week 1 performance of a player from my alma mater, UNCheat. It’s obvious why Brandon Harris got the heck outta Baton Rouge. He can’t play QB! It's no wonder Les got fired if this was the best quarterback he recruited. This was his startin’ signal-caller? In his first game for the Tar Heels he looked totally lost... and the dude's a grad transfer! It's not like this was his first time takin' snaps at the college level!!

If there's a silver linin' for Brandon it's that he’ll now have plentya time to concentrate on his
gra-gee-ate studies since he won’t have to worry about ‘bout those pesky game plannin’ activities for Saturdays. Oh yeah, if Fedora still plays two QB’s after that train wreck openin' performance by his 5th year graduate transfer, well.... see *NC State comment above concernin’ what to do with the coach!! Who’s the current coach at Furman?

Silver lining - You can text while your on the sideline....

...and still have time to get one of these.

               

Looks like it’s comin’ down to the usual suspects for college football dominance. “Bama, Climpson, Ohio State and a team to be named later'll be playin’ for the Dr. Pepper trophy (who, by the way, need to rethink those Larry the drink vendor ads) until or unless somebody pulls a rabbit outta their backside. Stop laughin'. Rabbits happen.

This Hurts

Is it just me or does anyone else think Jalen hurts Alabama? That’s right, Jalen Hurts continues to be the Crimson Tide’s biggest liability. He was last year and, after watchin’ this year’s opener, he’s still not the QB he can and should be. Most of ‘Bama’s pass plays end up with either Hurts runnin’ out of the pocket to heave one downfield or tuck it and continue matriculatin' for as many yards as he can get! He rarely tosses it on time in the pocket.

Go Long!

It’s hard to believe Saban dudn’t have any retrievers who can get open enough every now and again for Jalen to squeeze one off in rhythm. Every pass play seems to end up bein’ one of those backyard jobs where you break the huddle with instructions to “get open and I’ll find ya”. This kid seems like a great person and he's obviously an unbelievable athlete... but those things don't necessarily translate into bein' a great, or even really good, QB.

Frankly, Jalen was the weak link last year that finally got exposed in the National Championship Game. Bama’s defense and special teams had been so superior in their other 14 games the offense’s mantra was, “Just don’t fumble or throw a pick”. (FYI - in 2016 Bama’s defense had 16 INT’s, 7 returned for TD’s – 17 forced fumbles, 1 returned for a TD – 3 punt returns for TD’s).

But Climpson was dead set on tryin’ to make young Jalen beat’em through the air and when Bo Scarborough went down with a broken leg in the 3rd well, then… Bob’s yer uncle and Climpson takes the hardware back to the shores of Lake Hartwell. Hurts ends up havin’ to fling 31 passes and completin’ only 13 for 131 yards and a TD. 

You reckon' he's open?

And 68 0f those 131 yards (or more than half fer those of you who are mathematically challenged) came via the TD pass and run to TE O.J. Howard. Climpson blew the coverage so badly on this play I thought they took a moment to go audition for the horn section in the Tiger band.  I swear former 'Bama QB Bart Starr coulda completed that one and he's 83 years old!! 

Take a gander fer yerself: OJ Howard TD vs Clemson 2017 

RIP Walter Becker

Now fast forward to this year’s opener vs FSU. Here are the results of FSU’s last 11 possessions and the reason why Jalen is still just asked not to F--- It Up on offense:

PUNT, PUNT, PUNT, BLOCKED FG, PUNT, PUNT, BLOCKED PUNT, FUMBLED KICKOFF RECOVERED, INT, INT, PUNT

Hey, these FSU 2nd half results might make a good Steely Dan tune if they're arranged with the right beat! 

At the start of the second half Bama’s up 10-7 and thanks to their defense and special teams (see above) their last 3 scorin’ drives began at the FSU 6, 11, and 31. This results in a FG, an 11-yard TD run by Damien Harris, and another FG. Purty impressive for the ‘Noles defense. Not so good fer an offense that’s s’posed to be part of the best dad gum team in the nation (forgive me Bobby Bowden).

"Dude, I'm open"!!

Hurts was 10-18 fer 96 yds and a TD. Better completion percent than his last game against a worthy opponent but, once again, over half his total yards come from one throw, a 53 yard TD to Calvin Ridley. And guess what? BINGO, you got it… total busted coverage by FSU secondary and Ridley was runnin’ open like Lawrence of Arabia in the Nefud Desert! 

Check it out: Hurts to Ridley TD vs FSU 2017

No caption necessary

Bama’s gonna be tough to beat again this year just ‘cause their D and Special Teams are SOOO GOOD. But it’d be nearly impossible to whoop'em if Nick can find someone to show Jalen how to play like a college QB and not some Harry High Schooler who thinks chicks only dig a cool set of wheels and the long ball!

Deflategate

Awright, awready! I couldn't stand it and had to write somethin' 'bout this thing. I’ve heard enough 'bout this “Deflategate” bidness and still ain’t heard anybody talkin’ ‘bout the real problem!

I get it that one of the NFL’s myriad of rules is that the relatively inconsequential footballs each team uses, and provides for themselves each game, need to be inflated to a certain PSI (in this case PSI definitely dudn’t stand for People Shouldn’t Interfere). This simpleton rule from a league that thrives on their fans givin’ up millions of their crisp, foldin’ wherewithal to watch their 11 slobberknock yer 11 every Sunday afternoon. I also get it that the New England Patriots got some history against’em 'bout rubbin' up against the peripheries of the NFL rule's encyclopedia (and all along I thought they was just competin'. As Harry Hogge told Cole Trickle in the 1990 movie "Days of Thunder", “No, No! He didn’t slam you, he didn’t bump you, he didn't nudge you…he rubbed you. And rubbin’, son, is racin”. And I also get that Bob Kraft, Bill Belichick, and the rest of the Patriot fanatics are gonna back Tommy Boy even if he was caught in the act chokin’ a hooker inside a house of ill repute just to steal her drug stash and get outta payin' after they’d bumped privates!

So what if Tom Terriffic and a few of his equipment henchman decided to take a little air outta his balls? Maybe his receptionists like his saggy balls. If they can snare'em better I can’t blame Mr. Brady for loosenin’em up just a hair. Oh yeah, they played an entire half of football before it dawned on any of the Numbnut NFL Rules Enforcers to think it might be a good idea to check Tom’s balls!! And the Colts had already been over their fondlin'em before the game and warned the officials that Tom was fiddlin' with his balls! How ‘bout that!?!? Who knew the NFL was almost as inept as our gubment at enforcin’ the countless rules they have on the books! Where the gubment goes one up on Goodell and his boys is in the “OR WHAT” category.

The "OR WHAT" is the penalty one faces for breakin’ one of these dumbass rules. This is usually decided on by the rule makin' authority BEFORE one actually goes and breaks one of’em!  But no, not the NFL! They just sit around thinkin' up a buncha ludicrous rules with no published record of consequences. At least you know if you’re convicted of 1^st degree murder you’ve got a more than credible chance of bein’ put to death by lethal injection or becomin’ Bubba’s boyfriend for the rest of your sorry life!

I reckon Roger and his boys didn't think anyone'd be foolish enough in The League of leagues to break one of the 10,000 commandments which came down from on high; therefore, they saw no credible reason to inform anyone in advance 'bout the "OR WHAT'S". Well, YOU'RE WRONG, Pigskin Breath! And if Belichick and Tom Terriffic’ll do it you can bet there’s a buttload of other cheaters lurkin’ around in the shadows! This just makes the NFL leadership look corrupt or at least doubly inept as they end up sittin’ in The Rules Makin' Up Room where now they're wettin' a finger to check which way the disapproval wind's ablowin' so they can make up some punishment outta the blue that’s gonna leave the smallest dent in the NFL coffers or some such thing as that! Capisci? And I still haven't gotten to the real problem, or better yet, the solution!! So here goes...

Goodell and his band of Do-gooders have all these rules to follow with no follow up to insure their bein’ followed!! Got that? In the ‘Saggy Balls” case, wouldn’t it make sense, I mean if it’s so important to have yer balls inflated, to simply send some overpaid, jock-sniffin’, NFL staffer down to each locker room before the game to pick up each team's balls and put the proper amount of air in’em themselves? The next time either team comes into contact with one of’em would be when the official handed it to'em on the field in front of 80,000 fans where there’s no immediate access to a men’s room. How hard is that?

Because of all this rule breakin' the NFL’s now got’em the never good to hear “-GATE” suffix associated with their league, their last year’s Super Bowl Champs fined a cool $1 mill, and their best player with the hottest wife catchin’ some vicious pine for the first 4 games this year (BTW - That's twice the number of games Ray Rice got for knockin' out his girl in that video taped MMA snoozer in the casino elevator! Really!?!?) . Let’s just say neither, Bob, nor Bill, nor Gesselle, nor Tommy Boy’s gonna be happy bein' made an example of by the new and stricter NFL rules policies.

Listen Rog, here’s my advice on how to run this little concentration camp you call the NFL: Make a bunch fewer rules with some correspondin' stiff, but fair, “OR WHAT’S”. Oh yeah, have some processes and folks in place to administrate the few rules yer gonna have and always be sure to have a pair of properly inflated balls handy so you and yer deputies'll be able to enforce the "OR WHAT'S" no matter who crosses the line. Believe me, if you do this, things’ll be much better for you, the Pats, their fans, and the entire NFL!!

Final 4 Thoughts

We're down to the nitty gritty now and, as predicted, we're havin' a helluva time figurin' out who's #4, or even #3 for that matter. Good grief!!

It seemed like everything was goin' along pretty smoothly the latter part of the season for "THE 12" (this is the number of idiots they put in charge of determinin' who the Final 4's gonna be).  They got the beast of the college football world, Alabama, toolin' along at #1, the offensive freak show and bafflin' uniform colors of the Oregon Ducks snugged in there at #2, the "we're-hangin'-on-by-a-thread-every-week-against-suspect-competition-but-we're-still-undefeated" FSU Criminoles at #3, and the revolvin' door at #4! Most of the teams who paid that short visit to #4 got exposed from their early season charade as "Con-tenders" to, as then Minnesota Vikings coach Dennis Green so eloquently stated in a press conference followin' a NFL game, "They were who we thought they were" and as pertains to this group, that would be "Pre-tenders". I'm not hatin' on'em, just statin' the truth (which is not always purdy).

So now we get to the week before all the conference title games are tee in' it up  and "THE 12" decide to jump TCU from #5 to #3 after whoopin' up on a 6-6 Texas team??? And FSU, after just beatin' their in-state rival Florida (also a paltry 6-6) and to remain the only unbeaten team on the planet, drops to #4?? What about Baylor who has the identical record to TCU but beat'em head-to- head? Is Baylor gonna be the BIG 12 champ while the #2 team in the conference goes to the Final 4 ahead of'em?? Why even play these games if yer not rewarded for the results? Do you smell a rat or is it just me? There's quite a few juicy conspiracy theories one could dream up and I'm gonna share one I thought was plausible.

All one needs to do when tryin' to figger a conspiracy is follow the money (sound familiar?). There's a number of interests who stand to make alotta money if this Final 4 thing goes over; namely the NCAA, TV networks and their sponsors; and it looks like THE 12 set up a big wampum wet dream matchup scenario for the Rose and Sugar Bowls no matter what happened the last week of the season. It's almost brilliant!! Check out this line of reasonin':

THE 12 had to make a few assumptions to create options fer the Final 4 matchups when rankin'em fer the next to last time . The two main presumptions are that 'Bama and the Ducks will win their games. Not a sure thing but more sure than not. So the #1 team gets to choose their venue, the Sugar or Rose Bowl, and naturally 'Bama will choose New Orleans. Now #1 plays #4, and #2 plays #3. This means Oregon at #2 would play FSU in the Rose Bowl if the Criminoles remained #3 and either TCU, Ohio State, or Baylor at #4 would face 'Bama in the Sugar. Not a terrible Sugar Bowl in any case but the Rose would be a stinker! FSU dudn't travel well in the ACC so why'd we expect'em to throw momma and 'em in the back of the Ford F150 fer a road trip to the land of fruits and nuts!! So THE 12 slides FSU back to #4 so now momma and 'em can have that road trip to New Orleans they've always dreamed about to watch Free Shoes U play Bama in the Sugar if only Jameis and the boys can hang on one more time and win their ACC championship game.

Here, in my opinion, is where the committee snapped hook one into the housin' development across the street from the golf course and kept this thing from bein' damn brilliant. They shoulda gone ahead and put Ohio State at #3 instead of TCU. Whether Ohio State is better is not the question. THE 12's already shown their brazen enough to drop the only undefeated team down to #4 for the Sugar Bowl matchup, why not just tee up another'en and swing fer the fences while we're long ballin' it and have a deja vu Rose Bowl matchup of the BIG 10 vs  PAC 10 (or 12, or 14 or however many teams are in it now)? Of course in this scenario Ohio State would have to beat Wisconsin in the BIG 10 championship game to stay at #3 but if they did it'd be as good as it gets! Not fer you and me of course, but the networks and sponsors' d be shittin' themselves thinkin' 'bout how many Brinks trucks they're gonna need to make the deposits!

Ya see OSU fans know how to get to LA. They got used to goin' out to Pasadena near the first of the year fer the Rose Bowl long ago; and why not? I'd take any lame excuse I could find to get the hell outta Ohio, especially in the winter! But more importantly the networks got'em a university that can represent all those other non-football playin' school's fans in the Northern and Eastern part of the US of A. That'll keep a whole 'nother segment of the population engaged even it's if only fer one game.

They could still get this done but since TCU laid wood to Iowa State yesterday it'd be hard to swap OSU for TCU @ #3 even though the Buckeyes domination of the Badgers was very impressive. If this happens, be sure to have a wheelbarrow handy near the committee chamber to carry their nads to the car, and that includes Condi Rice! That'd take a huge pair but stranger things have happened. I think??!!