Hatin' On Bobby A Bit

I don’t know ‘bout y'all but I don’t have a real problem watchin’ a Bobby Petrino coached team get their asses handed to’em. In last night’s loss to Climpson I got a bonus watchin' The Bobster tryin’ to chew out that Wooden Indian disguised as a side judge (here’s a link if you didn’t get to see it https://www.sbnation.com/college-football/2017/9/16/16317032/clemson-louisville-bobby-petrino-absolutely-furious).  This official’s face NEVER changed expressions even though Coach’s face was turnin’ redder'en a pickled beet while he was 4-letter wordin’ that guy’s ears off!

Mt Rushmore Stand-In Candidate

I’m officially nominatin’ this ref as a candidate fer one of the Mount Rushmore temporary stand-ins. We'll need him and three other people whose expressions never, ever change to temporarily stand in front of the blank spaces between the time when we erase the mugs of those racist, bigoted, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamaphobic, etc-phobic losers up there now and when we whittle the faces of some deservin’ folks in their places who, up til now, have been overlooked and discriminated against because of sumpin’ we have or haven’t thought of yet. But, as usual, I digress.

Bobby and Jessica (is she 15 yet?)

BTW - Nothin’ against Lamar and Louisville, I just seem ta have a burr under my saddle fer Bobby. It’s really hard to believe any school would hire this guy knowin’ how he ran out on the Falcons durin’ the season (seemed like it was at night too) and 'bout that little motorcycle mishap he had down in Fayetteville…oh yeah, while totin’ his girlfriend around on the backseat… and oh yeah, tried to cover it all up with some lame-ass story he made up while standin’ in front of the press wearin’ a neck brace and some road rash on his face!! 

All I gotta say is the dude can obviously out-coach any university’s distaste for his moral deficiencies. I reckon’ as long as yer puttin' up enough wins to keep the booster money flowin’ in the right direction the pinheads that run these joints don’t really give a shit if you’re Mother Teresa, Charles Manson, or Bobby Petrino!

Guess that's Bobby's sign for "need 2 babes, Harry"!

Can you imagine his recruitin’ pitch to the parents of Harry High School? I’m thinkin’ it’d go sumpin’ like… “Yeah, we’d love to have Harry come play fer the Falcons… uh, I mean the Cardinals, sorry.  Anyway, after practices I can show Harry the Kentucky countryside. He and I can tool around on some of the motorcycles I own. All Harry'll need to do is pick us up a coupla drop-dead, hottie co-eds that know how to keep their traps shut about hangin’ out with Harry and the HBC “ (that’s Head Ball Coach for those of you who need me to field dress it for ya). “But hey, if these bimbettes fergit the deal and start chinwaggin' to the press or university, or post some nasty, unfounded rumors on social media… well, needless to say, I got some real life experiences dealin’ with those kinda lyin’ bee-atch-es and already have us a plan to make’em wish they’d never tried screwin’ over Coach Bobby and yer boy!”

Laughing all the way to the bank

Bobby continues, “I’m pretty sure neither St. Mark Richt nor the Devil himself, Nick Satan, is comin’ in here with that kinda CYA plan fer Harry. Those two'll be blowin’ smoke ‘bout Harry gettin’ an education and bein’ a part of somethin’ that’s bigger than himself. That’s all a buncha pie-in-the-sky, gong show bull shit! I’m here talkin’ reality and I’m tellin ya… there ain’t nothin’ bigger than Harry at Louisville!! "By the time Harry’s finished with his 3 or 4 years he’ll either be a good enough baller to make millions in the NFL or skilled enough at gamin’ the system that he can run for public office and make millions offa scammin’ the public! Either way, you and Harry are gonna be laughin' all the way to the bank! So, are ya gonna play fer one of these pretend scam artists or come here and get a legit edge-ah-ma-ka-shun from The Real Deal, Bobby Petrino? That’s what I thought, sign here.”  😀

Week 1 Quick Hitters

Caylin +45

I guess the odds-makers in Vegas weren’t lookin’ under their snouts when they made the line fer the UNLV vs Howard game. Musta forgot to figure in that Newton boy that takes the snaps for the Bison. He’ll be worth a good 40 or so points next time.

"You boys've been bad
 sayeth the Lord"

Ditto for the Baylor - Liberty point spread. I'm assumin' GOD was disappointed with the Baptist subdivision's wanderin’ away from the Word and sent in his non-denominational Christian army to reenact the David and Goliath thing (pick up the Good Book read 1st Samuel startin' around the 17th chapter or so for more background).

Ladies & Gentlemen, 
Furman Head Coach, 
Clay Hendrix!

Granted NC State was gettin’ an unusual amount of smoke blown up their skirt before the season by all the nerds who think they know somethin’ ‘bout sports. And frankly, they looked purty solid against South Carolina even though they lost a close one. But from the reaction on social media by the NC State extremists after the loss you’d think they were expectin’em to be in the Final Four! *“Fire Doeren before he leaves the field” and “Kill the kicker” were just a few of the irrational reactions. I say put the hara-kiri knives down and back away for a week or two. Wait… they may be right about the kicker but what coachin’ giant is gonna be lured to NC State as advancement to their career? Who’s the current coach at Furman?

2020 FSU starting QB 

Both startin’ QB’s from FSU and UGA went down with knee injuries this week. How long before we see a rule that QB’s haveta wear pink jerseys and are off limits to any contact ‘cept for the 2-hand tag above the waist?  Stop laughin’. Two hand tag is gonna happen and Terry Bradshaw, Joe Namath, and Brett Favre are comin' outta retirement to cash in!

Fear The Turtle!

Texas preseason #23? What the hay?? This is a team who’s last 3 years have been 6-7, 5-7, 5-7 and all of a sudden they get a new coach and it’s worth a preseason #23? In case you pollsters weren’t aware, they still have the same shitty players! Shows how badly the pundits want Texas to be relevant again and how much cash the Longhorn Network produces to payoff the voters to put’em in the top 25. Hope you enjoyed yer week in the polls. It’ll be yer last time this year. Hook’em!

Not that anyone really cares but I feel compelled to make an observation ‘bout the week 1 performance of a player from my alma mater, UNCheat. It’s obvious why Brandon Harris got the heck outta Baton Rouge. He can’t play QB! It's no wonder Les got fired if this was the best quarterback he recruited. This was his startin’ signal-caller? In his first game for the Tar Heels he looked totally lost... and the dude's a grad transfer! It's not like this was his first time takin' snaps at the college level!!

If there's a silver linin' for Brandon it's that he’ll now have plentya time to concentrate on his
gra-gee-ate studies since he won’t have to worry about ‘bout those pesky game plannin’ activities for Saturdays. Oh yeah, if Fedora still plays two QB’s after that train wreck openin' performance by his 5th year graduate transfer, well.... see *NC State comment above concernin’ what to do with the coach!! Who’s the current coach at Furman?

Silver lining - You can text while your on the sideline....

...and still have time to get one of these.

               

Looks like it’s comin’ down to the usual suspects for college football dominance. “Bama, Climpson, Ohio State and a team to be named later'll be playin’ for the Dr. Pepper trophy (who, by the way, need to rethink those Larry the drink vendor ads) until or unless somebody pulls a rabbit outta their backside. Stop laughin'. Rabbits happen.

This Hurts

Is it just me or does anyone else think Jalen hurts Alabama? That’s right, Jalen Hurts continues to be the Crimson Tide’s biggest liability. He was last year and, after watchin’ this year’s opener, he’s still not the QB he can and should be. Most of ‘Bama’s pass plays end up with either Hurts runnin’ out of the pocket to heave one downfield or tuck it and continue matriculatin' for as many yards as he can get! He rarely tosses it on time in the pocket.

Go Long!

It’s hard to believe Saban dudn’t have any retrievers who can get open enough every now and again for Jalen to squeeze one off in rhythm. Every pass play seems to end up bein’ one of those backyard jobs where you break the huddle with instructions to “get open and I’ll find ya”. This kid seems like a great person and he's obviously an unbelievable athlete... but those things don't necessarily translate into bein' a great, or even really good, QB.

Frankly, Jalen was the weak link last year that finally got exposed in the National Championship Game. Bama’s defense and special teams had been so superior in their other 14 games the offense’s mantra was, “Just don’t fumble or throw a pick”. (FYI - in 2016 Bama’s defense had 16 INT’s, 7 returned for TD’s – 17 forced fumbles, 1 returned for a TD – 3 punt returns for TD’s).

But Climpson was dead set on tryin’ to make young Jalen beat’em through the air and when Bo Scarborough went down with a broken leg in the 3rd well, then… Bob’s yer uncle and Climpson takes the hardware back to the shores of Lake Hartwell. Hurts ends up havin’ to fling 31 passes and completin’ only 13 for 131 yards and a TD. 

You reckon' he's open?

And 68 0f those 131 yards (or more than half fer those of you who are mathematically challenged) came via the TD pass and run to TE O.J. Howard. Climpson blew the coverage so badly on this play I thought they took a moment to go audition for the horn section in the Tiger band.  I swear former 'Bama QB Bart Starr coulda completed that one and he's 83 years old!! 

Take a gander fer yerself: OJ Howard TD vs Clemson 2017 

RIP Walter Becker

Now fast forward to this year’s opener vs FSU. Here are the results of FSU’s last 11 possessions and the reason why Jalen is still just asked not to F--- It Up on offense:

PUNT, PUNT, PUNT, BLOCKED FG, PUNT, PUNT, BLOCKED PUNT, FUMBLED KICKOFF RECOVERED, INT, INT, PUNT

Hey, these FSU 2nd half results might make a good Steely Dan tune if they're arranged with the right beat! 

At the start of the second half Bama’s up 10-7 and thanks to their defense and special teams (see above) their last 3 scorin’ drives began at the FSU 6, 11, and 31. This results in a FG, an 11-yard TD run by Damien Harris, and another FG. Purty impressive for the ‘Noles defense. Not so good fer an offense that’s s’posed to be part of the best dad gum team in the nation (forgive me Bobby Bowden).

"Dude, I'm open"!!

Hurts was 10-18 fer 96 yds and a TD. Better completion percent than his last game against a worthy opponent but, once again, over half his total yards come from one throw, a 53 yard TD to Calvin Ridley. And guess what? BINGO, you got it… total busted coverage by FSU secondary and Ridley was runnin’ open like Lawrence of Arabia in the Nefud Desert! 

Check it out: Hurts to Ridley TD vs FSU 2017

No caption necessary

Bama’s gonna be tough to beat again this year just ‘cause their D and Special Teams are SOOO GOOD. But it’d be nearly impossible to whoop'em if Nick can find someone to show Jalen how to play like a college QB and not some Harry High Schooler who thinks chicks only dig a cool set of wheels and the long ball!