Time Machine

So the Tar Babies've decided to try the time-machine trick to resuscitate their gridiron program by liberatin' Mack Brown from his 5 year stint in "moth ball jail" (AKA - a talkin' head on some college football halftime show that, while on air skillfully breakin' down the first half, we're takin' a piss, reloadin' the chips & salsa bowl, and refillin' the empty 16 ouncer from the kegorator. See also: Tommy Bowden, Dave Wannstedt, Rex Ryan, Bill Cowher, Jimmy Johnson, etc...)!

I used to be here
awonderin' what I'sa doin'.....

                   

...now I'm here
awonderin' what I'ma doin'!

      

He put up a coupla 10 win seasons at UNC 2 years before Texas took out their 
money clip and slapped him around the room with it til he agreed to be their coach!

No caption needed

I reckon' the Tar Holes coulda done a lot worse. Mackadoo is a guy who possesses silver tongue pickup lines so smooth he could recruit the panties off Elle McPherson and all her model pals, has as many National Championship rings (1) as all the other current ACC head coaches...COMBINED (Dabo, of course, currently has one), and ended up doin' purty good the last time he was strollin' the sidelines in Kenan Stadium. 

Classic!

My first big ???? is, "At 67, after havin' been outta coachin' football for 5 solid years, is 

Mackadamia gonna be Capt. Stubbing enough to turn this leaking like a sieve, one-man dinghy into The Love Boat flush with a few Julie McCoy's directin' offensive and defensive activities, some Isaac Washington's mixin' cocktails for the fans who are gonna need'em if Mack goes 1-10 his first two years like he did durin' his first visit, and a Gopher or two... hell, what team dudn't need a coupla Gophers!

Part of his success, or not, is gonna depend heavily on the assistants he'll be able to sucker...I mean  recruit... to come to the North Carolina Zoological Park known as Chapel Hill. It'd be nice to have someone on the defensive side of the football who gave a shit 'bout stoppin' the other guys and not waitin' for the offense and/or special teams to outscore'em!! BTW - Did you know Larry The Hat's defense averaged givin' up a hair over 29 points/game durin' his 7 years? That's gotta weigh heavy on the brow of yer offensive snowflakes knowin' they gotta score 4 TD's every game just to average losin' by one! 

Don't see what's wrong here. Sounds like my kinda class!!

Mack's also gotta deal with a whole 'nother generation of spoiled brats that'll challenge the patience and resolve of even the most upbeat sexagenarian (look this word up, I ain't talkin' 'bout Mack's bedroom activities here). He'll probably haveta create some new departments within the football program to babysit these no playin' idiots. We'll just call this first one the ANTI-AFAM DEPT. This bunch'll be tasked with assurin' none of these genuises are required (as in past administrations) to take any classes (like African American studies) just to keep'em eligible for at least three years (unless Slack-Jaw, Mouth-Breather okays it in writing or makes his mark).

Can you imagine how much bacon these guys coulda
pulled in if their record were 9-3 instead of 3-9???

Another needed department'll be called the WTF DEPT. Their main charge, along with many other idiotic situations that are sure to pop up, will be to check each player's equipment in and out of the equipment room so these knuckle-nuts don't break NCAA rules by sellin' their used AJ's for a coupla grand durin' or after the season (albeit some of the 2017 Playah's found some suckahs to pay 4 digits left of the decimal for used shoes from a 3-9 record season! 

Musta' taken that coveted Used Car Sales class durin' spring semester to pull this one off!).  

Not that I have any evidence of this (but why should I be held to a different standard than the news media. This is my blog and you're welcome to go f%&* yourself and quit readin' anytime, A**hole!!! Hahahaha, just kiddin'... OK, I can't lie. It did feel purty good to write that), but I think Mack and Sally are takin' the low stress, 5-year, $750,000.00 base salary and the $2 MIL in "supplemental compensation" to move closer to the NC/SC coast so it won't be that far to move when they retire there. Don't get me wrong, I think he could do UNC well durin' however many years he decides to stay. It all depends on how much lead he's got left in his pencil and whether or not he's more serious about buildin' a winnin' football program or drinkin' Mai Tai's on Kiawah Island!

Not the worst retirement plan I've ever heard!
(...but wash your toes Dude)

  

Winnin' Games

Not that I give a shit 'bout Rutgers football, or Kansas, but I somehow stumbled across this this brief article in the link below 'bout how bad Rutgers played vs Kansas yesterday is typical of how myopic the view of most “sports writers” (and I use that term loosely 'cause this guy seems like one of those dudes who lives in momma and daddy’s basement) has become. Here ya go....

By James Kratch

jkratch@njadvancemedia.com

NJ Advance Media for NJ.com

LAWRENCE, Kan. -- That was as bad as it looks and sounds.

Rutgers football hit a new low on Saturday, grabbing the baton as the worst Power 5 conference team in the country after a 55-14 loss to national laughingstock Kansas at Memorial Stadium.

It was a truly ghastly performance by the Scarlet Knights. Rutgers beat reporter James Kratch and columnist Steve Politi were there to witness it, and they discussed their thoughts in the video above.

Politi: Chris Ash has no excuses for humiliating loss

Ash is in the first year of a five-year contract. He won't get fired. But he'll have a hard time recovering from this Kansas debacle.

Quarterback Artur Sitkowski struggled mightily in the game with three interceptions, two of which were returned for touchdowns. He's now thrown seven interceptions with three pick-sixes this fall. Head coach Chris Ash didn't commit to him going forward, but also made it sound like a change is not likely.

"We're going to have to evaluate everything that we've been doing, and we're going to evaluate who we're doing it with," Ash said when asked if he might sit the Old Bridge native.

"Art had a great week of practice, and it's not just Art. We couldn't run the ball. We've got to look at our o-line, look at what we're doing. Look at our receivers and see what the options are. See what we can do with what we have.

Sitkowski finished the game 7-for-19 passing for 43 yards before being lifted for redshirt senior Gio Rescigno in the second half. Rescigno went 7-for-12 for 77 yards in mop-up duty.

The score was 55-14 and James Kratch of nj.com writes 'bout how bad the Rutgers QB and coach are! At least the coach included his entire offense needin' further assessment in his answer to the one question Jimmy Kratch printed 'bout their shitty performance. The score was 55-14!! I’m sure the QB and offense sucked aplenty since they only put up 14 and turned the ball over for 2 Kansas scores. But their defense also gave up 55 points to same shitty Gayhawks team that's gone 3-33 over the past 3 seasons!!

Rutgers might wanna see if this dude can play DEFENSE

Just a note from the grandstands to Mr. Kratch & Coach Ash: if you give up 55 points to the other team, albeit at least 14 were due to “Old Bridge native” starting QB, Arthur Sitkowski, throwin’ pick sixes (coulda been more but Kratch didn’t have space in his terse article to mention it nor was I interested enough to try to find out), you’d be wise to wring yer hands over more problems than yer offense, and specifically yer QB! 

Too much defense gets you this in the grandstands.

You media guys decided some time ago that the QB, offense, and lightin' up the scoreboard was the sexy, fun stuff we sports watching dumbasses in the “they-get-distracted-by-shiny-objects” public needed to see to keep our ADHD focused for more than 20 seconds. That’s all fine and good but winnin' football games is mostly 'bout blockin' and tacklin' better than the other guys. I think that's gotten lost on the media, and thus, the public in general.

Granted, the rules've changed to make the game less physical and more accessible to puttin' points on the board faster than I change my unmentionables, but givin' up more than half a hundred every time out's gonna make fer a long season fer whoever's defense sux that bad.

While I'm at it (talkin' 'bout winnin' that is), what's the deal with all the sports talk/writer geeks bitchin' 'bout there not bein' enough "elite" teams now in the NCAA? Ya got yer Alabamas, Climpsons, Notre Dames, maybe yer Michigans or Ohio States, and yer poor old undefeated UCFs... but after those prima donnas, everyone else'll be sittin' at home on prom night eatin' bon-bons and twinkies to ease the pain of not havin' a date! I thought Nirvana was everbody finishin' 6-6, goin' to a bowl game, every snowflake gettin' a championship ring, and the school sportin' a trophy in the fieldhouse to show off to those future recruits they're gonna need to finish 6-6 again. Make up yer feeble minds, why don't ya???

Perspective for Tar Hole Football Fans

I believe that's an American flag back there. What the hey?

UNC’s Coach "Hat" Fedora's beginnin’ his 7^th season at the helm of the Tar Holes and they seem to be rapidly transformin’ into the football version of the Titanic (‘cept not as big & badass as the boat). Tar Hole fans got that tickle down their leg, like Chris Matthews does when he talks 'bout our 44th president, as most fans do when there's a coachin’ change. Then Ol’ Lare’s early teams lined up and snapped off 45 or so plays a half and lit up the scoreboard like that Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center and full orgasm was achieved. He had purdy good luck at outscorin’ the other team til he ran outta Butch Davis’ offensive players. And he's never really seemed to care much fer the defensive side of the ball. Guess he kinda views it like takin’ a shit. Not sumpin' ya really wanna do, just sumpin’ ya gotta do every once in a while.

Oops, wrong sport.

So Ol' Lare’s first 4 years at Carolina’ve been purdy respectible (for Carolina) at 8-4, 7-6, 6-7, and 11-3. The 11-3 season earned the Heels an ACC Coastal Division banner and got all of Tar Holia lathered up ‘bout how they might finally turn the proverbial corner into the perennial top 20, or even top 10, football programs in the nation! Like Oakley “Limp” Barksdale, rush chairman of the Delta Iota Kappa fraternity (aka – the DIK’s) puts it, “ya know…like… it’s where we oughtta be man… considerin’ like… we’re Carolina and all… ya know?... Hold on a sec... Hey dude, stop Bogartin'! It's like my turn on the beer bong... ya know?!"

Well, that ship, unlike the Titanic, seems to’ve sailed off into the sunset leavin’ the DIK’s limp and the rest of Carolina fandom the bridesmaid once again. What's the deal with all the Carolina peeps already sportin' their “Kill The Coach” shirts? They oughtta be used to this process by now. Former coaches Bill Dooley, Dick Crum, and Mack Brown had a few purdy good runs before the Carolina football curse kicked in. These guys either left for a better job or got fired for losin’ too many assistants and games along with’em.

                          

But back to Lare. After his 11-3 season he puts up another respectable 8-5 job before last year’s 3-9 stinker followed by the 0-2 start this year. Losin’ to Cal on the left coast idn’t good, but not horrible or wildly unexpected. But the loss in Greenville, especially after ECU gets their hides tanned by FCS darlin’, NC A&T, has triggered the old “fire the coach” instinct every program’s fanbase discharges after losin’ one ya think ya shouldnt’ve (or one that’s a real shot to the pills). ECU used to be an afterthought for UNC fans. Carolina wouldn’t play in Greenville ‘cause their pasture wadn’t big enough and frankly, ECU wanted to play UNC way more than Carolina wanted, or needed, to play the Pirates. It was usually a nice win in front of a full stadium Tar Hole fans could count on. Well, not anymore!!

What would you pay for this?

I don’t know if Lare is the long term answer for UNC but it’s still a long season and he's playin’ without a baker’s dozen or so players who are on double secret probation for sellin’ their Air Jordan’s in the off season for four digits LEFT of the decimal point! Call me crazy but I’m thinkin’ some VP of Sales oughtta consider hirin’ these guys. Who else do you know that could sell used AJ’s for a coupla grand after havin’ 3-9 record stinky feet in’em?? Who’s zoomin’ who here? In any case, I don’t think gettin’ these dudes back is gonna make that much difference in this season’s outcome. It just dudn’t look like there’s a whole helluva lotta competitive talent on the field and that dudn’t change quickly.

'Nuff said!

So holster the weapons Carolina fans. And just spend yer spare time thinkin' up words to use instead of "Freshman", findin' some more offensive campus stuff to tear down, offerin' more of those classes where ya don't have to show up or even write that one pesky paper on which the entire semester's grade is based, bein' proud that Carolina’s one of the few teams on the planet to have the brass klankers to wear that intimidatin’ baby blue onesy, and preparin' to take the inevitable ass-whoopin’ that’s comin’ yer way this year… and maybe the next, and the next, and… well, you know how it works. After the season, between basketball games, is probably a better time to debate the future of the football coach. Probably be in a better mood then.

Sub-Urban Meyer

Ok, WTF? (This is the first of many rhetorical questions). I ain't necessarily an Urban Meyer fan but I don't get why Zach Smith kickin' his wife's ass is all of a sudden Urban Meyer's fault? This chick's reportedly been gettin' beat up since 2009 and she's just now figurin' out this is a problem? And it just happens to be Urban Meyer AND Ohio State University's fault all of a sudden? Christy, why wouldn't you call the damn cops and get the hell outta there? Can you say $$$-MONEY GRAB-$$$??

Take a gander at this interview she did with Daily Motion (just endure the ad at the outset, it'll be worth it):

https://video.search.yahoo.com/search/video;_ylt=A2KLfSblRGZb19UAAFhXNyoA;_ylu=X3oDMTE0dDd1cWgxBGNvbG8DYmYxBHBvcwMxBHZ0aWQDQjYyNDZfMQRzZWMDcGl2cw--?p=interview+with+zach+smith%27s+wife&fr2=piv-web&fr=mcafee#id=10&vid=02ce3a8a7dbe149f3fb9ff99d810518f&action=view

In the first 20 seconds she says she called her parents AND Zach's parents to tell'em about the abuse. She said she sent'em pictures and begged'em for help sayin', "This has to stop." She dudn't specifically identify which of these asshole parents says this but stated, "I was told, don't call the police. If you call the police he's gonna get arrested, it's gonna go to the media, and he's gonna lose his job. What are you and the kids gonna do?" Eggs-fuckin-zactly!! More to the point, at least one of these parental units told her to suck it up and take one for the kids. "So he smacks you around a little. Where else are you gonna find that kinda walkin', talkin', wife-beatin' paycheck?"

Really?? Seems a bit funny to me the reporterette in this interview didn't pick up on that. She was too busy tryin' to bury Urb and OSU to listen to any of that I-told-the-family-and-they-told-me-to-put-a-sock-in-it bullshit. What kinda people are these so-called "parents"?? If this were your or my daughter or daughter-in-law we'd have her and the kids outta there so fast Zach's head would be spinnin' around like Linda Blair's in The Exorcist! But somehow, it's now all about how Urban has f'd this up! Can you say $$$-MONEY GRAB-$$$??

And don't get me started on the part where she says the Coach and Coach's wife have a "duty" to help when somebody's cryin' out fer help. This is right after she tells the reporterette about informin' her    do-nothin' parents and how she's now legally separated from this Turd Monkey. OMG! What should a coach do?

Oh yeah, maybe he shoulda pounced on this like Dook did when some of their lacrosse boys were accused of rapin' some coke-head stripper back in 2006? The LAX coach, Mike Pressler, resigned under pressure from the administration and 3 college boys got their lives ruined for a good, long while. Oh yeah, Pressler had absolutely nothin' to do with the off campus party and the lacrosse players were found innocent after the stripper was found to be lyin'. The DA in the case, Mike Nifong, was the first prosecutor in North Carolina history disbarred for trial misconduct. In other words, he was lyin' too. Oh well, at least Dook jumped right on it and didn't wait for any of those pesky facts to come out.

Now a lotta talkin' heads are blowin' smoke 'bout how Urb's violatin' Title IX. Hell, I thought Title IX was about NOT descriminatin' against female students. Like makin' all that scholarship money equally available. You know, so ya get ridda men's wrestlin' to offer their scholarship money to girl's newly formed whitewater raftin' team. I wadn't aware this law applied to abuse, harassment, et al... to everyone employed by the school and everyone they come into contact with! I'm sure that's my misunderstandin' of the extent to which this law has been interpreted. But I could see bustin' Coach on this gettin' a bit tricky. I think Urban's lawyers might try to make the case that Courtney idn't an employee of the school and thus idn't afforded Title IX protections. We'll see about that one...

Urb almost kicked one in his own goal when he signed that recent contract extension. It specifies he's s'posed ta tattle to the principal on anyone, and that means student, faculty, or staff member, who has or allegedly has harassed, stalked, humped, or kicked another's ass against their will at a university sponsored activity or event.  The "university sponsored activity or event" clause is gonna save his ass here. Not sure Zach goin' home and givin' the old lady a knuckle sandwich is considered a university sponsored event... it oughta be.... but right now, it ain't.

For the record, Zach Smith "seems" like a real asshole lunatic and should have a can of whoop ass smashed into his thick skull. And I'm not stickin'up for Urban. He's got plentya lawyers, fans, and family to do that for'em. I'm just curious why this situation has NOW arrived at this place where the big deal is some guy's boss is in the hot seat fer not reportin' a domestic violence case between one of his employees and their spouse when the spouse AND her family've known this shit since at least 2009. Christy, why wouldn't you call the damn cops and get the hell outta there? Can you say
$$$-MONEY GRAB-$$$ one last time?