Payin'em to Play?



Like there ain't enough trouble in the world already, we gotta have some college football players, their families, and unsavory associates stirrin’ up some shit about gettin' paid for their athletic services. I've heard the argument 'bout how much money gets filtered through these college sports programs and how the evil money grubbers who run these institutions oughta share with the ballers who are packin'em in.

That all sounds purty good til you start lookin' into how much more of a f'd up mess it'd create. The NCAA can't even enforce the myriad of rules they've already conceived, much less try to figger a good system to pay these spoiled brats and how to afford it!

You'd think all these tree-huggin'-goody-two-shoes-save-the-world-Socialist-type college kids would wanna share the spoils of their success with the other less fortunate kids who actually have to pay to attend a university. You know, kinda the way they want folks who actually pay taxes to share with those who don’t? Well lah-dee-damn-dah, it seems these athletic mushmelons turn into Adam Smith Capitalists when they think somebody else is makin’ somethin' off their efforts! I wonder why they can’t just treat their little 3 or 4 year college stint like a tour in the Peace Corps or workin' as an intern for a gub-ment official?

Oh… all right… let’s say the NCAA somehow contracts spina bifida and knuckles under to the pressure of the whiney kids and their mommas and daddys and starts payin’em so they’ll shut the hell up. The next question’ll be “How much”? Mark Emmert and his band of pinheads at the NCAA say we pay’em a couple thousand for the year but the presidents of San Jose State, Cincinnati, Rutgers, Central Florida, and 93 others say their athletic programs are already upside down and they’re gonna be driven deeper in debt and eventually outta the ball playin’ business if they have to start payin’ a stipend too. Alabama, Ohio State, Michigan, Texas, and 19 others disagree and say their players deserve a higher standard than a paltry $2 grand a year and, since they are flush with (ill-gotten) cash, are suggestin’ they be allowed to deposit 15,000 tax-free simoleons (that they actually report) into each of their beneficiary's... I mean Student-Athlete's... bank account . We already got a problem with the money and that ain't even considerin' Title IX!

That’s right, Title IX is part of the 1972 Education Amendments to the 1964 Civil Rights Act. In summary it states that no person in the United States shall, on the basis of sex, be excluded from participation in, be denied the benefits of, or be subjected to discrimination under any education program or activity receiving federal financial assistance. So if yer suckin’ off the government tit like most of these universities yer gonna have to pay all yer scholarship athletes the same without regard to sport or gender or you’ll have to get yer discriminatory snout outta the public feedin’ trough. OUCH! That’s gonna leave yet another red mark on somebody's bottom (line).

I know everyone thinks these university athletic programs are flush with cash but it couldn’t be farther from the truth. From the USA Today July 1, 2013:

Just 23 of 228 athletics departments at NCAA Division I public schools generated enough money on their own to cover their expenses in 2012. Of that group, 16 also received some type of subsidy — and 10 of those 16 athletics departments received more subsidy money in 2012 than they did in 2011.

OK, based on this info maybe we can agree that there’s a lot more goin’ on in a university’s athletics department (good and bad) than meets the eye. But the money generated by the 2 cash cow sports ain’t gonna be enough to pay these peckerwoods above and beyond what they’re already gettin'.

By the way, have we forgotten ‘bout the scholarship they get and what that entails? That gets’em a free place to stay, all you can eat, free text books, free tickets to other sportin’ events on campus, the best medical care they’ll ever have, and the chance to display their talents to NFL scouts who are givin’ every college an anal exam to find’em the next Jerry Rice hidin’ out at a Mississippi Valley State. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, you might actually earn yerself a bonafide education if you wanna work for it so if, God forbid, you don’t hit the NFL lottery like you wet-dreamed about as a little kid, you might be able to do somethin’ other than become a politician or hold one of those Stop/Go signs on a rural two laner while the boys from the Physical Plant clean up the deer remains where Old Man McCoy just hit one with his pickup!

The NCAA just needs to grow’em a pair and tell these kids what’s what and stop lettin’ the inmates run the asylum! If I were King For A Day I'd gently put it to’em somethin’ like this:

Kids, in economic terms what we got here at yer NCAA is known as a monopoly. This means there ain’t no alternatives fer you nincompoops to display yer athletic wares fer the guys who are in the business of payin’ footballers AND have the educational opportunity of yer sorry lifetime which'll come in handy for the 98% of you that won't be cashin’ NFL paychecks. Ya see, the NFL’s made this rule (that’s right, they can make their own unfair rules, it’s their Monopoly Game) that you little jerkwads aren’t eligible for their draft until yer 3^rd year after you were s'posed to've gradge-E-ate high school. That’s why ya’ll like to spend 3 or 4 years with us so we can pay for ya'll to get bigger, faster, stronger, and coached up fer yer football job interview every fall Saturday afternoon.

Otherwise, you’ll probably spend the next 3-5 in jail fer robbin' the White Oak Bar & Grill with yer ne’er-do-well high school buddies, Tito and BeefPlug. Believe me, it's gonna be a heck of a lot harder for the NFL scouts to find you in the Florida State Penitentiary than it'll be if yer playin’ strong safety for Slippery Rock!

Listen, we don’t mind payin’ fer you to have the opportunity of a lifetime ‘cause it’s a win-win. Havin’ a good football program generates money to help us offset some costs of those gubment required non-revenue sports. And the PR for our school from football is off the charts! That helps us raise even more money to support our professors and other scholarly pursuits (believe me, T Boone Pickens didn’t give Oklahoma State $500 million ‘cause they got a good debate team).

If you decide against the scholarship we're offerin we look forward to hearin' from ya to let us know what cell yer in at the “other” Big House. We'll send you a birthday card wishin' you all the best as we anticipate yer NFL debut the season after you make parole, or to wavin’ at ya from the car while yer holdin' the Stop/Go sign as we pass you on the way to recruit some more unprincipled young ball players who'll gladly catch what we're pitchin'. Tell Tito and BeefPlug we said Duh Huh. They'll know whatcha mean.

Quick Hitters

This doesn't really need a caption now, does it?

Is it just me or is the whole damn planet waitin' for somebody to help Johnny Manziel grow up? That somebody could be next weekend when his cocky ass takes the field against Saban's Tide.  I wanna see'em do that money or autograph gesture again and get his ass flattened with a good blindsider! I think it'd be quite apropos for Little Johnny to get taken behind the wood shed for a good ol' country ass whoppin' by those generally well behaved young Southern Rednecks from Tuscaloosa. Probably just the thing he needs since he acts like he's never had one!

They ain't found no Herschel II and
neither has anyone else.

Huge early season game this weekend betwixt the Dawgs and Cocks. Whoever wins this one's in the drivers seat for the SEC East champeenship (no offense Florida fans but frankly, you have no offense). Neither team can afford to lose but especially not the Dawgs. If they start out 0-2 it's hello Capital One Bowl, again! No matter what the outcome I urge Georgia fans not to get their Dawg drawers in a wad and go callin' for Coach Richt's scalp ! After Vince's first 12 years he was 88-41, a winning percentage of 68.2 (Herschel hadn't enrolled yet). CMR is 118-40 for a win percentage of 74.7. I'd hang with'em if I were you. He might have a championship or two in his future.



I'm gonna lobby the media on behalf of the word "football" and request they not use it as Johnny's last name. I think it's demeanin' to the word and the sport it represents. Maybe they could start callin' em Johnny "Asshole" instead. Makes a lot more sense to me.

Everybody wants to be a QB.
C'mon Wilse, you're a center.

I saw where an ol' college teammate turned offensive guru turned head football coach at a basketball school  (he should be used to that bein' a former UNC footballer) Kevin Wilson took out some pent up 2012 frustration by 73'n to 35'n Larry Legend's Indiana State Sycamores last Saturday. 35's a lot to give up but if you're scorin' 73 the other guys gonna get his grubby hands on it a good dozen or so times even if you don't punt! That gives a lot of screwin' up opportunities to the defense. Hey Wilse, take it from a guy who's volunteer coached in high school for a couple years, control the ball on offense and DO NOT turn it over, have a great kickin' game, and put yer best 11 on the side of the ball that keeps the other team outta the end zone! You might win 6-0 or lose 13-10 but yer always in it. I got a feelin' when you start playin' varsity teams the points are gonna be harder to come by and 35 fer them'll be aplenty.

Three ladies on the
penalty/accounting committee,
no wonder he only got a half.

What'd ya'll think about that iron-fisted slap on the wrist the NCAA administered to Johnny A-Hole? Do they not know makin' a player of his caliber and fragile psyche sit out an entire half of football could cause him future mental and emotional issues? I think he experienced some "outta the spotlight anxiety" durin' the first-half-go-to-your-room punishment session and that's why he showed his bee-hind when he finally took the stage...I mean field. The head Nazis at the NCAA musta hada sit down with the accountin' department and decided that'd be all the punishment their bank account deserved. I wonder what's takin' em so long to figure the U's (Miami) penalty? Must be that Nevin Shapiro boy money whippin'em to " fa gedda 'bout it".

Aaaahh, niiccee!!

The sports media's created'em an early problem blowin' a buncha Heisman smoke up  the shorts of South Carolina's One Hit Wonder Boy. Jadaveon Clowney's an incredible athlete who hadn't yet learned how to go hard every play. He does make the highlight reel every time he plays to his potential. Unfortunately, that's between 3 and 5 unbelievable plays a game. He was gassed in the UNC game and it showed. If he has any pride at all he'll be embarrassed and motivated by watchin' film of himself standin' around suckin' wind. I hope he's not one of those fragile flowers like Johnny "Foot-Hole" . I wouldn't be surprised if the Evil Genius made a 10 minute film of him half-assin' it around the field and shows it to the entire team before every practice this week. Of course, Mr. Heisman would be in the front row.

Kevin Sumlin wishes...

Does Tim Tebow have another year of college eligibility? If not, maybe Texas A&M could hire him to mentor you-know-who!

Whoa, I can't believe they're
runnin' into each other like that!

I just found out Rece Davis is a Puss and is missin' an "E" in his name. He was whinin' like a soccer mom last weekend while commentin' on replays of perfectly clean hits in Saturday's football games. He's not only cryin' like a lactose intolerant baby but he also wants to be anointed Football Czarina so he can impose futher penalties on those boys who are knockin' snot bubbles outta their opponent's schnozes. Hey Rece, it's football! The players hit each other. That's why everyone watches. It's like a NASCAR race with a guaranteed wreck every 45 seconds or so. Listen Momma's Boy, nobody's makin' these guys play and it's not a secret you might get your nuts knocked up around your tonsils if you participate. Stop bitchin' 'bout guys playin' the game the way it's s'posed to be played and go find a woman's tennis match to find something wrong with. While you're at it, hunt down that extra "E" yer momma and daddy left outta yer name. You're no Elvis Aron Presley, pal.

That dudn't look all that bad.

Speakin' of big hits, how 'bout the NFL settlin' with those players who were suin' 'bout not knowin' that if yer head got hit by an oncomin' train it might give you a concussion that could have deliterious effects long after yer football career's over? That dudn't seem real smart of those former players who weren't aware of that. Oh well, they weren't too stoopid to cash those checks while they were playin' and they aren't too stoopid now not to hire'em some ambulance chasers to get'em another pay day! Hell, now I hear a couple former college players got them a shyster to bring a lawsuit against the NCAA for the same reason. I guess what's good fer the goose is good fer...hey...I wonder if I could get in on that. I've obviously got some mental complications based on some of the shit I write in this blog. Ouch, gotta go, here come those galdurn migraines again...