What the Hell, Johnny Manziel?

OK, let's go ahead and get this one outta the way so we can get on with some stuff that really matters. 

Have you ever seen one of these at a stoplight?

What a way to start the 2013 football season. We're bein' treated to front row seats to watch our whole damn society go down the proverbial shitter in the person of one Johnny Manziel, football whiz kid from Texas A & M.  He's just like every other smart aleck 20 year old punk with some talent and a little luck. I figger he's one of those guys who wears his ball cap sideways with a big ol' chrome sticker still stuck to the bill, his pants so far down his back side you can identify the brand of his unmentionables, and the JBL woofers in his Mercedes cranked up so damn loud you can't hear yourself think... and your sittin' in a car across the street with the windows up!

He always seems to be tryin' to screw up his future with the game that could put him in the drivers seat for the rest of his sorry life. I'm not sure why, but he sure does look like he can't wait to f--- this up! I don't understand why he feels the need to do the cash fer autographs thing. Why don't you leave that to Pete Rose? And BTW, isn't Johnny's ol' man loaded with ill gotten oil money? The kinda money one gets on the backs of the poor, disadvantaged, downtrodden, salt of the earth Americans; you know...us. Why in the name of John David Crowe would young Jonathan even think to pull this crap? And whadda ya think about those whiny little Tweets that flow out of his Twitter account like diarrhea after a visit to Tijuana? Can't you just shut the hell up? We don't give a shit that you gotta ticket or got your car towed or whatever happened 'cause you parked in the wrong spot. Pay the damn fine and deactivate yer Twitter account so you won't be tempted to Tweet something else stupid!

Careful Johnny, this could be you.

I think young John likes to flirt with trouble. He thinks 'cause he's Johnny Manziel, Heisman Trophy winner, he's privy to a lifetime of get out of jail free cards and his reputation is on PR auto-repair. Whoa, Cowboy! Not so fast. There's no tellin' how many times Lawrence Taylor got outta trouble while bein' the toast of the town in NYC but that dudn't seem to be helpin' him now.

You're no Dan Marino, pal!

Is it just my tired ol' principles of humility, gratitude, and team spirit or is Johnny "I represent generation ME" Manzell an A #1 asshole?? All these talented little peckerwoods have so much smoke blown up their asses at such an early age they wouldn't recognize the opportunity of a lifetime if the Holy Trinity came down from heaven and rubbed their noses in it! If Johnny Spoiled Brat thinks this is just the beginnin' of a long and illlustrous career of Heisman trophies, NFL MVP's, and Super Bowl rings he's got another thing comin'. Just ask Dan Marino how many Super Bowls he played in after his rookie year. Ooh... ooh... I got the answer to that one teacher....NONE!! That's right Johnny B. Goode, a lot of guys way more talented than you have fingers without rings; and you're no Dan Marino pal!

And what makes you think your God's gift to the human race after receivin' the Heisman Trophy anyway? Hell, that's usually the kiss of death for a marginally talented college player like yourself who has one year where the stars line up and your shittin' gold bricks without knowin' how it's happenin'. Do the names Troy Smith (Ohio State 2006), Jason White (Oklahoma 2003), Eric Crouch (Nebraska 2001), and...I could go on but you're probably gettin' the gist by now... mean anything to you??? Yeah, me neither. You're gonna be one of'em!
            

Who are these guys?

I know when Johnny reads this, as I'm sure he will, the hair on the back of his neck'll stand at attention and something like, "pffhsssht" will reflexively come out of that overworked pie hole as he's thinkin' about the guy who wrote this crap not havin' any idea what it's like to be Johnny "Football". I'll give'em that.  I don't know and will never know what it's like being Johnny. Nor do I want to know how miserable it must be to have an ego the size of Alaska after one incredible season. I'm sure one day Johnny's gonna know more of what it's like to be one of us mortals and it's gonna happen way sooner than he'd like. Probably midway through the 3rd quarter of this year's Alabama game!

This could be you too, Mr. Football!