All Bark and No Bite

I couldn't make this one up!

Ah, so I finally get around to the Twilight Zone episode which even Rod Serling woulda been proud of. This Penn State thing is damn near unbelievable! Their football program along with the entire university, alumni, and fans have really taken a shot to the pills with this Jerry Sandusky fiasco. What a POS!! That “pure as the wind driven snow” façade is no more for Penn State. And Jo Pa, God rest his soul, is now saddled with a legacy no one coulda fathomed less than a year ago! It's gonna be up to the opinion-makers, revisionist historians, sports writers, pundits, and peckerwoods to decide how this thing goes down from here on.

He just looks guilty!

It’s a terrible and sad thing that happened to all those young boys who were preyed upon by that sick Sandusky sum bitch. And it makes it exponentially worse that so many people in positions of power who coulda prevented some of his behavior didn’t step up and do the right thing ‘cause of their concern over the image of their precious university. Well boys, how’s Penn State’s image doin’ now? I believe all the people who did somethin’ illegal or covered up some illegal goin's on should be punished to the full extent of the law. Hang’em up by the neck and set their privates on fire, I say!

Mark "The Fuhrer" Emmert

So now that you know how I feel about that, what in the name of NCAA probation does that have to do with the kids and coaches who are at Penn State now?? If the NCAA wants to punish the Penn State athletic program for “lack of institutional control”, then punish the sum bitches with the controllers in their hands! I heard NCAA president, Mark Emmert, actually talkin’ 'bout how much "collateral damage" the NCAA’s sanctions are gonna have on those parties not remotely involved in this scandal. Collateral damage? Holy shit! You mean we can’t just punish the bad guys? We gotta punish everybody within a four county area too? That’s the biggest buncha horse shit I’ve ever heard of... but it's all they got!

The NCAA’s been power trippin' over this country club bunch for years without havin’ an effective way to implement their stupid-ass regulations! They’ve been tryin’ to big time these college sports superstars into believin’ somethin’ bad’s gonna happen to’em for breakin’ the Almighty NCAA rules, while all the time they're just doin' alotta barkin' without any bite! The only thing Emmert and his little band of Nazi’s can do is punish the institution that's left standin' there holdin' the bag and anyone who is, or will be, a part of it! 

That bulge in his
pocket isn't a hip pad!

Let’s go back a bit and look at an easy example of NCAA ineptitude: Reggie Bush. (If you don't know this story you probably need to be readin' someone else's blog). Seems as though I remember while Ol’ Reg was matriculatin’ through the hallow'd halls of Southern California he was winnin’ himself a Heisman Trophy and Pete Carroll a couple National Titles before takin’ “his talents” to the NFL’s New Orleans Saints for more money than most of us could make in 5 lifetimes. After Reg started cashin’ those NFL checks the NCAA finally got around to findin' out that he actually started cashin' checks while at USC. I reckon they thought they had enough dirt on him and his agent to take ‘em to court and prosecute hell out of ‘em!! But wait, that’s right, Ol’ Reg ain’t a member of that country club any more (and neither is, or ever was, his sleeze-ball agent) so the NCAA is left tryin’ to find somebody they can legally punish so they don't look like they went on this fishin' trip without a stringer and a livewell. (BTW – Coach Carroll took a late flight outta LA to Seattle to cash him some NFL checks too).

I wonder who let Reggie Bush
take a picture with their Heisman?

Well, guess who gets throwed in the NCAA penitentiary for this mess? That’s right, the only thing left that the NCAA can penalize: USC and whoever's still there or acomin'. And whose still there is a buncha guys who probably never met Reggie Bush but are now on DSP (Double Secret Probation) 'cause he decided to start bein’ a millionaire a bit early. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, the Nazi’s did make Reggie UPS his Heisman back and made USC vacate a buncha wins while he was there. OUCH!! That's gonna hurt him and Coach Pete all the way to the bank!! Check the history books to see who won the Heisman in 2005 and the NCAA football championship in '03 and ’04. Hold on, I'll save you the trouble. It says Reggie Bush, USC, and USC. You won’t even notice those little asterisks beside'em sayin' it really didn't happen (*- this is an asterisk for any UNC football players graduating after 2000).

That's right, you're all goin' to jail!

So what does Reggie Bush have to do with Penn State? It's the same problem just a different issue. Let's look at it. First of all, I’m pretty sure the NCAA dudn’t have a rule in their massive book that says rapin’ kids by someone not employed by the university is a sports violation. This is a legal matter for the courts, not the NCAA. The courts are the only ones who can put some teeth into the punishment and bring the hammer down on the assholes who need punishin’! If we’re gonna screw around with Penn State’s football program ‘cause they got some bad folks in it then we might as well just DSP every program, organization, business, and government that’s ever existed ‘cause their all guilty of havin’ some bad apples in their cart.

WHEE! 

If Emmert and his Boys from Brazil wanna punish the bad guys who think they're gonna hang on to their cushy, overpaid jobs no matter how awful their behavior...just tell’em they're banned for life from ever working at another NCAA institution in any capacity and take’em to court for whatever the hell you think you can take’em to court for. If you wanna hit the institution where it hurts (aka - in the pocketbook), lay a fine on their ass that'd make Sam Walton blush and make‘em play football for free (i.e. whatever revenue you generate from TV games or bowls'll be distributed out the window of a low flyin' cropduster over Haiti). But don’t start punishin’ the INNOCENT folks that are left at Penn State by takin’ away scholarships, bannin’ em from their conference championships and bowl games, and such! How the hell is that gonna keep the next Jerry Sandusky from doin’ his creepy thing? IT'S NOT, ASSHOLES!!! BTW – What has the NCAA done to Jerry Sandusky? NOTHIN'! “Cause they don’t have the authority!

             NCAA Meanies

The National Collegiate Athletic Association is just a big, impotent, blowhard that's been chest bumpin' these 18 to 22 year old kids around the room to try to keep'em from gettin’ their schools (which is all the NCAA lords over) in trouble . But after Reggie Bush did his thing and only had to mail a trophy with the likeness of a slow, white boy playin' football in a leather helmet back to Indianapolis to pay for his "sins”, why would any superstar give a rat’s ass what NCAA rule he broke when he knows the only thing he's gonna get is rich and all the poor sum bitches left at his school are gonna be the ones servin' the NCAA sentence for whatever he did?? I get that. 

So this is the NCAA world we're livin' in. Joe Pa’s dead and the thousands of good things he did will forever be overshadowed by this, Sandusky’s in jail for the rest of however long his fella inmates are gonna let him live, assistant coach McQuery’s life is f’d up for the rest of it, Penn State and some of their other execs are gettin’ ready to get their asses sued in civil court, Reggie Bush and Pete Carroll are both millionaires and we got some Numb Nuts at the NCAA who decided the proper punishment for all these goin's ons is to put the Penn State and USC football programs on probation! I reckon' that's supposed to keep pedophilia and takin' under the table money down to a dull roar from here on out. OK, I DON’T get that!

Jo Pa and I feel the same way about the NCAA!
Hey Joe, can you turn that up a little? I can barely hear you.

A Few Losers...Guaranteed

   I was thinkin' 'bout havin' a go at makin’ some crazy-ass, stab-in-the-dark, preseason picks for who was gonna square off in the BCS Championship game but thought it’d be more fun to start out givin’ the business to some of those wannabes who ain’t got a chance. I guess I could make it easy and say, “Everybody not in the SEC ain’t in contention”, but that wouldn’t be too fun and it'd make for a really short story.

  

  

  

So, instead of doin’ that, I thought I'd pick on a couple schools who got themselves into the NCAA’s proverbial “Yer-Not-Goin’-To-A-Bowl-Game” penalty box. And why not start with the school that does less and gets more smoke blown up their scarlet and gray bee-hinds, Ohio State.

Jim "The Vest" Tressel

   Bear with me a minute while I make this feeble attempt to promote my long-shot, conspiracy theory. So... what if the Athletics Department heads at "The" Ohio State University were forward thinkin' enough to hang that ol' tattoo parlor fiasco 'round the neck of Coach Vest so they’d “have to” fire’em?

This is "that Luke boy"

   Then, what if they put that Luke boy in there as the interim sacrificial lamb… (I mean head football coach)… for one of the two non-bowl probation years. All this wranglin' arounnd fer the ultimate purpose of give’em time to money-coax Ol’ Urban Meyer outta his TTSS (aka - Tim Tebow Separation Syndrome) and get’em to come to Columbus and coach’em up a few national titles like he did in Gainesville? 

Urb's ridin' a gravy train on biscuit wheels!

   Yeah that’s a long shot theory 'cause no one associated with athletics is that smart. You can try to believe that one or make up your own if it makes you sleep better. Either way, "The" Urban Cowboy is now "The" Head Coach at "The" Ohio State University and "The" Ohio State University is still on double secret probation for another year. I hope it was worth it Buckeye Nation. You never know. Urban may relapse into his previous state of mental malaise after gettin'em a gander at those slow movin’ sloth’s he gonna have to coach! And I’ll bet a $100 to your donut the campus babe factor’s down a good 30%+ from what ol’ Urb’s used to down in The Swamp!

"Chipper" looks like a Badass.
I like it!

   And how can I possibly leave my Tar Holes off the Poke-Fun-At-Ya-Cause-Yer-On-Probation list? This program’s certainly never been confused with a perennial football power but we did flirt with tryin’ to cheat our way into national prominence under Bootch Davis. The only thing that accomplished was to prove what an amateur bunch of cheaters we were by fergettin’ to tell the assholes we sent to that Miami party on some sports agent’s tab not to post a bunch of shit all over Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, and who knows where all! We had to get ridda Bootch over this ‘cause he wasn’t keepin’ with the squeaky clean Carolina tradition. 

Coach Hat "Lite"
Half the wins of a real hat 

   So what do we do? We get in our '67  Cadillac El Dorado, tool into Mississippi Normal College down in Hattiesburg, raid Conference USA’s pantry of coachin' legends, and hire us the ACC version of “Coach Hat”, Larry Fedora. ‘Cept this Coach Hat is a fancy, felt one popular with men in the 1920’s and 30’s, not a ball hat like the one they got down there in Loo-zee-anna. I’m hopin’ it ain’t true but this hire could be in keepin' with one of the endurin’ traditions of Tar Heel football: “they’re stylish, but not really all that intimidatin”. Hell, I don't even know'em but I’d be willin’ to bet another hundy right now that our Coach Hat could give Clinton and Stacy a few pointers about “What Not To Wear” (that one's for all the ladies who I'm sure aren't readin' this)!

Lawrence "Bubba" Cunningham
(Looks a bit like a Kennedy, not good!)

   Oh yeah, we got us a new AD too. Goes by the name of Bubba... Lawrence “Bubba” Cunningham. At least we don’t have two Larrys! Maybe Coach Larry should consider usin’ a nickname. He could start referrin’ to himself as "Chipper", like Larry Jones of the Atlanta Braves does. Then we’d have Chipper and Bubba runnin’ the football joint. That duo sounds a whole lot more footballish and justa little more redneck than Larry and Larry (which reminds me of the Bob Newhart show brothers). At least if things don’t work out, they can sell their namin’ rights to Seth McFarland so he can turn’em into millionaires by makin’ a cartoon about two guys named Chipper and Bubba who thought they were gonna make a difference in the football program at a basketball school!

"Spock, scan the planet's
surface and give me a
Babe Monitor reading".

   It’ll be interestin’ to see where the new Captain of the Carolina ship takes our strugglin’ team. Will he kick some ass, take some names, and screw all the other team’s chicks like Captain James T. Kirk did when he was rapin’ and pillagin’ the universe with that buncha no good actors who never pissed another drop after Star Trek? (Except for Mr. Spock, of course). 

                                                                                                                 

                                                         

                   I think this sign means, 
                 "Careful, Kirk is gonna have your babes".

                                                             

Unfortunately, there's room
for one more in this photo

     Or will he turn out to be Loveboat Larry, Captian Stubbin’s butt boy on The Pacific Princess, whose job it is to help Gopher clean puke off seasick passenger room walls while Isaac the bartender is on the Lido deck servin' up Mick Ultras and Lo-cal Passion Fruit Mojitos to the Jenny Craig weight loss support group who made the trip up from Rocky Mount for the ECU game? I really hope "Chipper" can go where no man has gone before, at least no UNC man, and win him a NCAA Football Championship. I might just start sportin’ a light blue fee-dora if he does! But I digress…again...

     Who the hell else ain’t got a chance? There's only two other programs banned from bowl games this year and they’re Central Florida (and who cares other than CFU alums) and Penn State. Ahhh, Penn State. I think I'll leave this one for the next edition ‘cause I got a chapped ass about some of the shit that’s goin’ on in this disaster and it’s gonna take longer than you got attention span left fer me to get that off my chest. Check in later for this rant.  Guaranteed to fire you up! 

Don't be #5 or #69

It's that time again!!

Play-ahs = $$$

   Well boys and girls, it’s that time again. Those fellers who play the best damn game on planet Earth (my apologies to all the lacrosse players; that’s gotta be #1B) are crankin’ up their Bra & Panty practices to start prepppin' for the season. Y'all know about the B & P league don’t you?… No?... Well, that’s where yer crop of incomin’ recruits with their 4.35 40's, sportin' 38" + verticals, while pumpin' 500 lbs on the bench press look easier than passin' the 3rd grade start to get their Coach all lathered up about this ridiculous collection of athletic freaks takin' him, his assistants, and their "Real Wives of..." (insert yer own county, city, or state here) to the BCS promised land. No doubt the Ol' Ball Coach is countin' on bringin' home the crystal football and that wad of cash he's got in his contract fer it since Ms. Coach has threatened a divorce if she's gotta spend one more year in the squalor of that l’il ol’ 10,000 ft lean-to Coach has made her suffer thru all these many years. That just would't be right!

You got yer winners...

     Ah yes, but all those sugar plums dancin’ in Mr. and Ms. Coach’s heads are usually dashed away once those prima donnas stash their B’s and P’s back in the unmentionables drawer and get escorted onto the practice field in full battle regalia. About the time the live ammo gets to whizzin’ by their little helmets is when we start separatin' the Real McCoys from the pretenders who were yer former All-Every-Things at St. Mary's of the Assumption High School in Gumlog, GA. Yessir, this is where all yer look like Tarzans but play like Janes get exposed! Anyway, all these new boys ain't runnin'fer the nearest foxhole at the first sign of contact and it’ll be fun to see who's gonna make up the next crop of Badasses. I’m officially excited about the certainty of over-consumin' another year a college football!!

...and, well, you know

                                                                    

   Before I prematurely go pickin’ a few early contenders (which I will do in my next blog) I’d like to have a little Come To Jesus Meetin’ (a CTJM for all you Southern Baptists) with everybody 'bout this playoff that’s comin’ our way. I'm gettin’ this outta the way now so you’ll have time to get yer mind right before this shit happens… and it’s gonna happen!  So, in a coupla years it looks like we got this 4 team playoff comin'. I don’t have a problem with it. I actually like the idea. I’m just sayin'...and you can quote me on this... “Don’t be #5”,  'cause I don’t wanna hear you bitchin' 'bout how your team got screwed outta playin’ for the title!!

 
That’s right, we went and got ourselves 24 hours of sports TV, sports talk radio, sports websites, and sports ever-damn-thing and somebody’s gotta fill up all that dead air to pay the bills. What better and easier way to do that at the end of a college football season than to rile up a buncha football crazies 'bout their team gettin' excluded from an invite to the big dance? Them media boys know what gets our undies in a knot and it also saves them a helluva lotta show prep between the end of the season and a week or so before they kick off the first meanin'less bowl game. Just fan the flames of unfairness, sit back, and watch the phone lines light up! 

IUPU shoulda made it!

   It’s guaranteed that at least a coupla teams are gonna crap their diapers over bein’ left outta the playoff. Hell, look what a big deal Jay Bilas, Dickie V, and Digger make about who got screwed outta bein’ #69 in the basketball playoffs ! And all that hand wringin’ and whinin’ is for poor old #69!  #69?   #69!! We’re...talkin’...about..
#69! Really, you're snivelin' and whimperin' and yer # SIXTY FREAKIN' NINE?!?!?! (OK, I’m through with the Alan Iverson impersonation).

Rollie and his boys

But really, #69?? The lowest seed ever to win a NCAA basketball championship was a 7 seed. That was Rollie Massamino’s Villanova team back in the 80’s when they beat a heavily favored Georgetown. BTW - If they woulda drug tested that bunch like they do today, well… everybody on both teams woulda flunked!! Anyway, lookin' at it strictly from a competitive angle, they already got 32 teams too many at the end-of-the-year basketball party and we've gotta listen to bitchin’ about not invitin'  #69? What the hey? You got all season to be as good as you can be so don't end up  bein' even close to # SIXTY-DAMN-NINE!

Stop Whinin' Kid!

 
   We’re startin’ to treat the NCAA like our precious, little, spoiled kid's sports. You know, those kid games where all the moms sign up to bring an apres-game snack and every body gets a trophy? Pretty soon somebody’s gonna suggest we quit keepin’ score in the NCAA like they're already not doin' in those feel-good, kid leagues!! God forbid some child learn early what a shitty feelin' it is to lose.
  That’s OK Jackwagon, don't keep score! We'll still know who wins and loses. Just like those kids who currently don’t keep score know who wins and loses, as do their limp-wristed parents who suggested that numb nuts idea! Good grief, I've gone off on a tangent! Imagine that. Well, to sum up all that hogwash just remember, don’t be #5 in football or #69 in basketball. If you are, keep yer pie hole closed and go back to the drawin' board to figure out how yer gonna get invited to next year's Soiree!

Whew, I feel better now that I flushed that outta my system. Don’t you? 

Check back soon for some premature, irrational winner and loser picks.