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| I believe that's an American flag back there. What the hey? |
UNC’s Coach "Hat" Fedora's beginnin’ his 7
th season at
the helm of the Tar Holes and they seem to be rapidly transformin’ into the football
version of the Titanic (‘cept not as big & badass as the boat). Tar Hole fans got that tickle down their leg, like Chris Matthews does when he talks 'bout our 44th president, as most fans do when there's a coachin’ change. Then Ol’ Lare’s early teams lined up and snapped off 45 or so plays a half and lit
up the scoreboard like that Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center and full orgasm was achieved. He had purdy
good luck at outscorin’ the other team til he ran outta Butch Davis’ offensive players. And he's never really seemed to care much fer the defensive
side of the ball. Guess he kinda views it like takin’ a shit. Not sumpin' ya really wanna do, just sumpin’
ya
gotta do every once in a while.
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| Oops, wrong sport. |
So Ol' Lare’s first 4 years at Carolina’ve been purdy respectible (for Carolina) at 8-4, 7-6, 6-7, and
11-3. The 11-3 season earned the Heels an ACC Coastal Division banner and got all of Tar
Holia lathered up ‘bout how they might finally turn the
proverbial corner into the perennial top 20, or even top 10, football programs in
the nation! Like Oakley “Limp” Barksdale, rush chairman of the Delta Iota Kappa
fraternity (aka – the DIK’s) puts it,
“ya
know…like… it’s where we oughtta be man… considerin’ like… we’re Carolina and
all… ya know?... Hold on a sec... Hey dude, stop Bogartin'! It's like my turn on the beer bong... ya know?!"
Well, that ship, unlike the Titanic, seems to’ve sailed off
into the sunset leavin’ the DIK’s limp and the rest of Carolina fandom the bridesmaid
once again. What's the deal with all the Carolina peeps already sportin' their “Kill The Coach”
shirts? They oughtta be used to this process by now. Former coaches Bill
Dooley, Dick Crum, and Mack Brown had a few purdy good runs before the Carolina
football curse kicked in. These guys either left for a better job or got fired
for losin’ too many assistants and games along with’em.
But back to Lare. After his 11-3 season he puts up another respectable 8-5 job before last year’s 3-9 stinker followed by the 0-2
start this year. Losin’ to Cal on the left coast idn’t good, but not horrible or
wildly unexpected. But the loss in Greenville, especially after ECU gets their
hides tanned by FCS darlin’, NC A&T, has triggered the old “fire
the coach” instinct every program’s fanbase discharges after losin’ one ya think ya
shouldnt’ve (or one that’s a real shot to the pills). ECU used to be an
afterthought for UNC fans. Carolina wouldn’t play in Greenville ‘cause their pasture
wadn’t big enough and frankly, ECU wanted to play UNC way more than Carolina wanted,
or needed, to play the Pirates. It was usually a nice win in front of a full
stadium Tar Hole fans could count on. Well, not anymore!!
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| What would you pay for this? |
I don’t know if Lare is the long term answer for UNC but it’s
still a long season and he's playin’ without a baker’s dozen or so players who are on
double secret probation for sellin’ their Air Jordan’s in the off season for
four digits
LEFT of the decimal
point! Call me crazy but I’m thinkin’ some VP of Sales oughtta consider hirin’ these guys. Who else do you know that could sell used AJ’s for a coupla grand after havin’ 3-9 record stinky feet in’em?? Who’s zoomin’
who here? In any case, I don’t think gettin’ these dudes back is gonna make
that much difference in this season’s outcome. It just dudn’t look like there’s
a whole helluva lotta competitive talent on the field and that dudn’t change
quickly.
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| 'Nuff said! |
So holster the weapons Carolina fans. And just spend yer spare time thinkin' up words to use instead of "Freshman", findin' some more offensive campus stuff to tear down, offerin' more of those classes where ya don't have to show up or even write that one pesky paper on which the entire semester's grade is based, bein' proud that Carolina’s one of the few teams on the planet to have the brass klankers to wear that
intimidatin’ baby blue onesy, and preparin' to take the inevitable ass-whoopin’ that’s comin’
yer way this year… and maybe the next, and the next, and… well, you know how it works. After
the season, between basketball games, is probably a better time to debate the
future of the football coach. Probably be in a better mood then.
